How to break the avoidance pattern
Imagine this: an email pops up in your inbox with a tricky, stressful problem that needs to be solved.
How do you respond? Do you…
Read it through and then ask yourself, “Okay, what is in my control here?” or say to yourself, “This isn't great, but I’m going to figure this out.”
Scan through the email quickly, immediately feel overwhelmed and close the email, telling yourself, “I’ll think about this later.”
These are examples of two different coping strategies. The former is called ‘problem-focused.’ In this strategy, you try to approach the challenge from different angles, look for information about how to address it, or break it into manageable pieces.
The latter is called ‘avoidance-focused.’ The problem stirs up uncomfortable emotions within you, and because they feel so overwhelming, it compels you to avoid the problem, pretend it’s not happening, or personally blame yourself for it.
The strategy we choose when facing our own discomfort has major implications: problem-focused is related to well-being, while avoidance-focused is related to depression, anxiety, and overall ill-being. That’s why, if you are more of an avoidant coper, it’s important to learn how to become a problem-focused coper.
Here’s how to do it.
Start with a small problem. The next time that one pops up (in your inbox, in your home, in your life) and those painful emotions start to arise within you, you just have to remember to do one thing: breathe through it.
Focus on your breath until your emotions fade away. Don’t close the email or walk away from the issue. Breathe in, breathe out. Stay with it. After a minute or two, you will start to feel calmer.
Congratulations! You just faced your discomfort and came out the other side. Now that you’re here, you can ask yourself: “What is one way I might start to address this problem?”
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