Get out of your own way
In the early 2000s, a researcher named David Conroy was studying college athletes who were afraid of failing.
He wanted to know more about this fear, how it came to be, and how it might be addressed so that these athletes could perform to the best of their ability. In his research, he discovered that, nestled beneath this broad 'fear of failure,' there are five sub-fears that power it:
Fear of shame or embarrassment: "If I fail, this will be so embarassing for me."
Fear of devaluing the way you see yourself: "If I fail, I won't be able to think of myself in the same way."
Fear of an uncertain future: "If I fail, I could ruin my future plans."
Fear that it will change the way that people see you: "If I fail, my friends won't want to hang out with me."
Fear of upsetting other people: "If I fail, my parents will be so disappointed in me."
We can use Conroy's insights as a framework, targeting your specific sub-fear so that you, too, can start to do what matters most to you.
First, think about an area of your life or a goal where your perfectionism is holding you back. Where are you currently stuck, held back by your fear of failure?
Now, identify which one of these sub-fears is affecting you the most. For each, I've given you an affirmation and an action plan that you can use, designed to give you the courage to take imperfect action.
Fear of shame or embarrassment: "It's not fun to feel embarrassed, but it's survivable — I have felt it before and I will feel it again. If I do end up feeling ashamed, I will open up and share with my closest friends. I know they will support me."
Fear of devaluing the way you see yourself: "I don't want to define myself by my failures and successes. I want to define myself by the fact that I keep trying, even when I'm scared. By taking action, I'm actually embodying that identity."
Fear of an uncertain future: "I'm avoiding what I really want to do because it gives me a false sense of control over the future. But all I'm really doing is getting in my own way. I may not be able to control what happens in the future, but at least I will be focusing on what is in my control — my actions."
Fear that it will change the way that people see you: "I deserve to have people in my life who love me whether I succeed or fail. If they judge me, they are not for me."
Fear of upsetting other people: "Other people are allowed to have their opinions and feelings about what I do. But at the end of the day, it is my opinion and my feelings about my life that matter the most. I'm the one who has to live with my choices, so I'm going to make the choice that's right for me."
