How To Bounce Back From Hard Times
Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a good groove in life, things start to magically become easier, and life transforms into something better? Things seem to flow more smoothly. You are more active. You’re more connected to people. You eat healthier. You’re kinder to others. Life is just good!
And then, when the opposite happens, when you’re in a rut, and it feels like you’re sliding down a slippery mountain of frustration? Maybe you eat a bit too much cake, and then feel bad about yourself, so you skip your regular workout, and then you sleep in, and then you don’t fall asleep as normal the next night, and then you eat unhealthy because you’re tired, and all of a sudden, you’re looking around, wondering how you got into this massive rut?
We all experience this in our lives. The key is learning how to get out of the downward spiral, and spark it’s opposite: an upward spiral.
The scientist Dr. Barbara Fredrickson has discovered that these spirals actually start with one simple thing, something so small that you might not ever have guessed it could have such a disproportionate impact upon you: an emotion.
The Science of Emotions
Emotions are a mind, body, and soul experience. As you experience a feeling, you will also experience changes in physiology (like a facial expression), in communication (like what you say in response), and in your perception of the whole world at that moment (like believing that it is a bad place).
Negative emotions have an enormous impact upon us. They impress themselves heavily upon us, far more strongly than positive emotions. It takes at least three positive emotions just to cancel out one negative emotion. The leading marriage researcher John Gottman discovered that happy marriages have at least five positive emotions to every one negative.
While negative emotions are really powerful, positive emotions carry their own secret weapons, too. First, they actually temporarily broaden your view of the world, making you more open, aware, and connected. Second, they also add a tiny bit of oomph to what psychologists call your ‘personal resources’, which are things like resilience, self-acceptance, and openness. Every positive emotion you have essentially contributes to a bank that you can draw from in the future when times are hard or when you really need some support.
The Power of Glitter Dust
Positive emotions have one last magical feature: they allow us to sprinkle glitter dust all over an activity, a place, a person, or a thing. Good feelings trigger a whole bunch of neurochemicals that lead you to really, really like whatever caused it. When we like something, we are attracted to it. We want to spend more time with it. We think about it all the time. We go out to get it.
(This is how we know we are in love: we have sprinkled our glitter dust all over another person, and so we think about them all the time, and want to be around them, and when we are around them, we experience more positive emotions, which adds even more glitter dust!)
Glitter dust leads us into these upward or downward spirals. If we sprinkle glitter dust on things that are good for us, like by finding a type of exercise that we absolutely love to do, we will find ourselves nonconciously drawn to do more of it, without ever needing willpower. We’re pulled towards it, like a magnet. Even more, our motivation towards it will continue to increase over time, because every time we engage in it, we put more glitter dust on it, which makes it even more compelling. Thus, the upward spiral!
Unfortunately, our neurochemicals don’t care if a behavior is positive or negative: they just know that they like it, and they want more of it. It’s all too easy to sprinkle it on things like chocolate cake and alcohol that make us feel really good in the moment, but don’t contribute to positive outcomes in the long run.
Where you put your glitter dust, then, has an enormous implication for whether you live in an upward spiral world or in a downward spiral world.
Sprinkling glitter dust over something is the easiest way to build a habit, a lifestyle, or a routine that serves your goals, because it will create nonconscious and continually increasing motivations for that behavior.
How to Retract Glitter Dust
Sometimes, we end up sprinkling glitter dust over things that we actually don’t want to give that power to, or we end up realizing later that it’s not a behavior that serves our goals, and we need to retract it. This is consistent with what we know about addiction in the scientific literature, and the way it manifests in the brain. Sometimes, we feel magnetized to engage in the things that we know are bad for us, and it’s really hard to use willpower to halt our engagement with it.
Here’s how to sweep off glitter dust of anything out there that doesn’t serve you, and to become free of it.
Let’s say that you’re trying to avoid stopping by your regular lunch restaurant. You always end up getting the hamburger there, because it’s so good, but you really want to eat healthier. To sweep off the glitter dust, focus hard on the bad things about that behavior: the disconnection from your values, the money you’re spending on it, how tired you feel a few hours after eating it, how you’re feeling a bit uncomfortable in your clothes lately, and anything else you can bring to mind. The more visceral and visual, the better. As you’re focusing on that, bring that feeling of ‘I feel horrible after eating it’ to the forefront of your mind. Focus really, really hard on it. Then let it go.
One way to tell how much glitter dust has accumulated on something is how often you think about it spontaneously. So every time you think about that hamburger or that restaurant, switch to focusing on that thought of ‘I feel horrible afterwards’. Eventually, the spontaneous thoughts will dissipate, and you will know that you are free.
How To Get Out Of A Downward Spiral
Some downward spirals are short-term and easy to snap out of; some of them last for years. It is often sparked by things that are well outside of our control. For example, losing a loved one leads to sadness. If you ruminate constantly on that sadness, it will make it more likely that you withdraw from things that give you energy, which will then make you fatigued. That fatigue will then make it more likely that you have even more sad emotions. Soon, you may start to see the world as a sad place filled with events that you cannot control, which leads to negative beliefs about yourself and the world. Over time, this compounds more and more, potentially leading to depression or other disorders. If you sense that you or someone you love is in a long-term downward spiral, it’s really important that you seek out professional help to get through it.
One helpful strategy is to figure out your silver bullets: the things that reliably bring you positive emotions.
For me, there are five things that usually help: exercise, truly connecting with someone, practicing gratitude, playing with my dog, and listening to music that makes me feel joy. When I notice I’m in a downward spiral, I try to prioritize one of the five to help me switch into an upward spiral. Gratitude and music are quick hits if I don’t have a lot of time, and puppy time, exercise and connection are usually things I can get to in 24 hours or less.
What are your silver bullets?
How to Build A Life Of Upward Spirals
Now that you’ve learned how to pull out of downward spirals when they happen, it’s important to also learn how to create a life that makes upward spirals easier to get into. One helpful strategy is known as ‘prioritizing the positive.’
Prioritizing the positive is all about making the time and the space in your day to do the things that are positive for you. It’s not about thinking positive — it is about doing positive.
Fredrickson recommends six key positive areas: each of them contributes to your happiness in the moment and contributes to your happiness in the long-run. A good goal is to try to incorporate 1-2 of each of them in every day, which will help put you into more upward spirals.
1. Being physically active
2. Being social and connecting with others
3. Learning something new
4. Pursuing meaning
5. Eating well
6. Caring for your self
Prioritize it by treating it as just as important as a work meeting or an appointment. Block off time for your activities and actually do them. You are making such a valuable investment in yourself and in your life every time you engage in these behaviors.
Look at those six categories up there and figure out something you absolutely love that fits into each of them. People who are into exercise like exercising! You might look at them and wonder how on earth they conned themselves into believing that, and the truth is, they probably found a specific activity they liked, which inspired them to become more active, which made them into different types of exercise. It got the glitter dust!
If you’re trying to be more active, find a workout that you actually enjoy, because it will make it far easier for you to do it, and you won’t have to use your willpower. You might not love eating broccoli, but love brussels sprouts. Meditation may not be your self-care of choice, but hiking is. Figure out the things you love that are good for you and don’t feel any guilt for pursuing them: it’s the best way to change your life for the better.
Finally, Fredrickson recommends that we stop looking at happiness as this big, far-off goal, where we ask ourselves, “How will I be happy?” and think about how to achieve it five or ten years down the road.
Instead, she counsels us to focus on creating positive emotions, right here and right now. Enjoy the moment. Savor the good things. Find ways to integrate joy into your life, and to see it for the important investment that it is.
In this way, you end up becoming the best version of yourself and creating the resources that will equip you for challenges that may arise in the future.
