Weekly: There’s no right way
Old Happy: "I should feel this way." New Happy: "I am going to feel however I feel."
We've all heard of the famous five stages of grief. When you're grieving, you go through the following process:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
But as it turns out, we have got the five stages all wrong.
The five stages of grief come from the pioneering work of the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She was one of the first scientists to devote herself to the study of death. Through conducting interviews with several hundred people who were terminally ill, she discovered that most of them went through these five experiences.
The way that these stages are described makes it seem like they are linear, like you must start at denial and must end at acceptance. But Kübler-Ross never meant us to think of them in this way. You don't move from 1-2-3-4-5; it's more like 1-4-2-3-5-2-3-2-1-4-2-5-2-1-4-5. Even more, some people don't experience certain stages at all and some people experience multiple stages at the exact same time.
The other problem with viewing the five stages as linear is that people might try to 'get you' to move faster through the stages to reach what they perceive to be the final stage of acceptance. (How unsurprising that in Old Happy's goal-obsessed culture that we've decided that grief must have a goal, too.) There's no moment that marks grief as being 'done.'
What Kubler-Ross attempted to do — provide a container for understanding some of the most common feelings and expressions of grief — has been taken far too literally, with so many people believing that one must grieve in this way. But she would be the first to say that there is no one way to grieve. Grief is profoundly personal. It will be different for every single individual and for every single loss.
If you are grieving a loss in your life — of a person, a relationship, a pet, a job, a stage of your life, a role, a dream, or anything else — please know that your experience will look very different to everyone else's. You don't need to force yourself to go through any stages; you simply need to be with your experience, whatever it looks and feels like.
Tips and Tools
1. Thoughts in your head — This week's animation.
2. What are you expecting? — A sneaky form of perfectionism.
3. How to be more resilient — 3 reminders.
4. Next right step — When you don't know what to do, do this.
5. One action away — Rediscover your hope.
More from TNH
Book — Order New Happy today to find true happiness.
Podcast — Get a daily morning pep talk — in five minutes or less
Speaking — Book us to speak to your team about well-being, resilience, and productivity.
Articles — Read more articles on our website.
Community
What emotion(s) are you feeling right now?
“The emotion I am feeling this week is heartbreak. Is that an emotion or a state of being? I don't know but it's what I am feeling.”
“Fear! But I have a quote on my phone - beyond your fear is your freedom. It’s still not easy to go through it.”
“Forgiveness.”
“Frustration.”
“Anxiety.”
“A mix of determination to try more and a fear of failure.”
“Emptiness, sadness, regret, anger all at the same time.”
Before You Go
The Definitive Guide to Happiness
A groundbreaking new approach based on a decade’s worth of research and brought to life with beautiful artwork, New Happy shows you the proven path to happiness.
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