Weekly: We feel the same
Old Happy: My feelings isolate me from others. New Happy: My feelings connect me to others.
There's a sequence you've seen play out millions of times in your own life: An event or thought occurs → An emotion results.
For example:
Your friends leave you out → you feel rejected.
You lose your job → you feel afraid.
You are criticized → you feel shame.
You witness devastating world events → you feel helpless.
When we witness someone else who is suffering, we make one mistake again and again. We judge that arrow: why an event led to an emotion. Here's what that sounds like:
“I wouldn’t react like that.”
“Why hasn’t she gotten over that yet?”
“She should just be grateful things aren’t worse.”
“This shouldn’t make you so upset.”
“You don’t have anything to be depressed or anxious about.”
“Compared to other people, your pain is not a big deal. Snap out of it.”
Judgment will never help alleviate pain; only empathy and compassion can do that. To tap into these qualities, we need to focus on the emotion that the other person is feeling.
Because the truth is that, while our experiences vary so greatly, our emotions are strikingly similar to one another. Pain is pain is pain; jealousy is jealousy is jealousy; anger is anger is anger. Believe it or not, your worst enemy has felt the grief you’re feeling now. Your horrible boss has been consumed with anxiety, too. We can bond over our shared experience of the emotion without ever judging why they feel this way or don’t feel that way.
Here is the process to use:
When you encounter someone who is in suffering, shift your focus from the event to the emotion.
Identify what painful emotions they might be feeling.
Think about a time that you felt those same emotions.
Try to bring yourself back to that feeling and re-immerse yourself in it as much as you can, thinking about what you wanted to hear in that moment.
When we focus on the emotions that we share, we don't have to be torn apart by our different experiences. Instead of comparing our pain, we can be connected through it.
Tips and Tools
1. Hope and fear — This week's animation.
2. Be willing — The key to achieving your goals.
3. Make them glow — Compliment them.
4. Change your expectations — Perfection is not required.
5. Your direction — A question to ponder.
More from TNH
Book — Order New Happy today to find true happiness.
Podcast — Get a daily morning pep talk — in five minutes or less
Speaking — Book us to speak to your team about well-being, resilience, and productivity.
Articles — Read more articles on our website.
Community
What makes you feel loved?
"When someone remembers a small detail about me."
"Forehead kisses, a surprise letters in the mail, a simple ask to see each other."
"When people thank me for the work I do for them."
"A random hug."
"Doing what you say you will."
"Small but thoughtful gifts."
"When my best friend makes me food."
"When people listen to me and ask questions with genuine interest."
"When someone sends me a song that reminds them of me."
“Someone sharing silence with me.”
Before You Go
The Definitive Guide to Happiness
A groundbreaking new approach based on a decade’s worth of research and brought to life with beautiful artwork, New Happy shows you the proven path to happiness.
No spam, just joy.
