One surprising way that your emotions affect you
Seeing red. Green with envy. Dark days. These are not just expressions — they're descriptions of the way we perceive the world when we're in the grip of difficult emotions.
Here's how it works. You're happily talking with your partner, then notice out of the corner of your eye that they left their dirty socks on the floor — again. You feel a surge of anger, any good feelings immediately fading away. All you can see is the socks, and all you can think about are all of the other times they let you down and messed up. You snap at them, "Why can't you ever do what you promise you'll do?!"
In this moment, your entire experience has been colored by the intense emotion that you're feeling. This is called the refractory state, a term coined by UC San Francisco psychologist Paul Ekman.
When you're in the refractory state, you are temporarily unable to look for or internalize any new information that doesn't 'fit' with the emotion you're feeling. All you can focus on is the source of your anger or looking for more reasons to be angry or thinking about why your anger is justified. You can't tap into your wisdom, reframe the events, or offer a sense of compassion.
The refractory state might last for a second or two, or for many minutes. It all depends on our past history, our overall well-being, our choices in the moment, and how the other people involved behave.
Here's another example: imagine that you're scrolling on social media when you stumble across a picture that makes you feel overwhelmed with jealousy. You feel resentful and inferior, thinking thoughts like: "Their life is perfect. They've never known what it is like to struggle. What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever get what I want?" You might prolong your refractory state by continuing to scroll through their photos, looking for evidence to prove that these thoughts are true (and ignoring any evidence that it is not.)
Here are three ways to work with your emotions: 1) before feeling a difficult emotion, 2) in the middle, and 3) after.
1. Before you're feeling a difficult emotion
Reflect on big emotional reactions you've had in the past.
What triggered them? Why? How does it connect with your past experiences, beliefs, or needs?
2. In the middle of feeling it
When you're in the refractory period, you just have to wait it out while also trying to avoid prolonging it.
You could draw your attention to your breath, counting time in and out. You could get some physical space (in the middle of a fight, call for a 10 minute time out; in the middle of angry scrolling, close social media and do something else.) Or forward this email to a loved one and agree that, when emotions get intense, you'll use the phrase, "I'm in a refractory state right now. Bear with me while this passes."
3. After feeling it
What can you learn from this experience?
What did you focus on? What did you miss? Update your list of emotional reactions, and reflect on any progress you've made.
One of our great skills as human beings is the ability to learn from our experiences and move towards a healthier way of being. Every difficult emotion is a chance to practice; as you do, know that you're cultivating a sense of greater peace within and around you.
