Recently, one of our community members sent in a question:

“I went through some really hard times in the past. I'm trying to be resilient and move on, but no matter what I do, it still feels hard. How can I move on?"

This question can help us to deconstruct one of the Old Happy myths about resilience.

Our society tells us that in order to be resilient, you can't feel pain or struggle. You have to be strong. You have to move on. You have to find the silver lining, immediately.

But we know from research that this is not true. People who are resilient accept and honor their emotions. They speak up when they're hurt. They reflect on what happened. They ask for help when they need it.

Feeling your emotions is not just part of being resilient — it's a critical element of it. The next time you're struggling with something, know that you don't need to rush your way through your feelings. Honoring and experiencing them is an important part of the healing process.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "Most of the work that’s done in the world gets done by people who weren’t feeling all that well at the time that they did it.”

I find this to be wildly reassuring. I'm not alone: it's okay that it feels hard sometimes. It would be so much easier to reject the work, or ignore the responsibility, or pass off the task to someone else. But this work is your work. It's for your growth, for an impact, for a purpose. It's your chance to ​use your gifts to serve the world​. This is the work of your life. It's what you're here for.

That's why it is so important to find ways to make the work easier. The next time that you find yourself saying, "I can't!" here are three sentences that can help.

First, start with belief: "I can do it." Approach the task.

Then, move to action: "I am doing it." Take one small step, right now.

Finally, shift to reflection: "I was changed by it." Solidify your purpose by focusing on the impact of your actions. That's what will make it easier to show up to do it again tomorrow.

If you browse any corner of the motivational internet, you'll probably see one message repeated over and over again: You need to be consistent to achieve your goals. But this is not, actually, the key to achieving your goals.

If you want to achieve your goals, make them joyful. Make them fun. Make them interesting. Make them fascinating. Make them engaging. Make them meaningful. If you do this, you will never have to worry about 'being consistent' ever again.

To understand why this is the case, let's dig into the research. You've probably heard of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, which are terms that come from a 40-year-old body of research, led by Edward Deci & Richard Ryan.

Their research discovered that there's a continuum of motivation. At one end is extrinsic motivation ("I'm doing this because I'll be rewarded/punished.") At the other is intrinsic motivation ("I'm doing this because it's joyful and interesting.")

Intrinsic goals are more aligned with your authentic self and fulfill your human needs. Deci & Ryan's work has found that if you pursue intrinsic goals, you'll 1) experience greater happiness and well-being, and 2) be more likely to achieve them, because people who choose goals aligned with their interests, values, and identities are more persistent and therefore, more likely to be successful. On the other hand, people who are extrinsically motivated are more likely to abandon their goals and experience ill-being.

Consistency is best understood as a downstream metric that indicates how aligned the goal is to your authentic self, which in turn drives your happiness and success. Your current behavior — consistent or not — is a piece of data that you can use, not a target to aim at.

If you find it easy to be consistent with your goal, you're probably more intrinsically motivated. You find it enjoyable, it puts you into a state of flow, or you see it as way to express yourself or contribute to a greater purpose.

On the other hand, if you're struggling to be consistent with your goal, you're probably more extrinsically motivated. That is a sign that your goal is not aligned to your authentic self and is not fulfilling your needs. If that's the case, here's one small tool you can use to shift it. Ask yourself, how can I make pursuing this goal a more joyful experience?

Or, go further: what would it look like to throw this goal out and choose a new, joyful one instead?

Avoiding it is easier in the short-term, but creates pain in the long-term. Facing it is harder in the short-term, but creates ease in the long-term.

We all would prefer to avoid the upsetting or painful things in life. But in trying to protect ourselves through avoidance, we often end up paradoxically increasing our suffering.

The next time this you're avoiding something that needs to be faced, try this: think about how facing it will help you to be the person you aspire to be.

For example:

• If you're avoiding setting a boundary, tell yourself: “I’m a person with self-respect, and this is a moment to demonstrate that.”

• If you're avoiding a difficult conversation with a loved one, tell yourself: “I’m a person who shows up to work on my relationships, even when it’s hard.”

• If you’re avoiding a chore or responsibility, tell yourself: “I’m a person who follows through on my commitments.”

This shift in focus — from the present pain to the future gain — can help you tap into your deep well of courage. Even when it seems scary, please remember: you can face this thing.

Old Happy: "I have to do it all." ​
New Happy: "I can focus on what matters most to me."

One of the ways that Old Happy culture makes us miserable is by convincing us that we have to do everything, get everything, and be everything. You spread your energy out in a million directions trying to achieve this impossible task, leaving you overwhelmed, dissatisfied, and exhausted.

Instead, I advise taking a different approach: prioritize that which matters most to you, devoting your energy towards the few things that really bring you joy. This weekend, try this five minute exercise: write down a list of what is most important in your life (if you aren't sure where to start, you can always try our ​free Values Wheel exercise​.) That could be a community you're a part of, a meaningful career, your friends and family, your well-being, or your hobbies. Then, compare this list to how you're currently spending your time.

What do you need to let go of so that you can devote your energy towards the items on your list? For in prioritizing what matters most, you're not really giving something up—you're creating space for what fills you up.

Tips and Tools

1. ​Thoughts in your head​ — This week's animation.

2. ​If it all worked out​ — Have faith.

3. ​Loved for who you are​ — You are worthy now.

4. ​One loving thought​ — The path to a better world.

5. ​No right way to grieve​ — The process.

More from TNH

​Book​—Order New Happy today to find true happiness.

​Podcast​ — Get a daily morning pep talk — in five minutes or less

​Speaking​ — Book us to speak to your team about well-being, resilience, and productivity.

​Articles​ — Read more articles on our website.

Community

What does a good life mean to you?

"Feeling safe, useful and happy most of the time."

"Getting to make a difference to someone or something." 

"Meaningful work, supportive relationships, joy." 

"Being okay with your choices, no matter the outcome." 

"Meaningful conversations and noticing the flowers." 

"Doing things that make you fulfilled and being kind to others." 

"Living with intention and finding the love in everything."

​​​​​Read more​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Before You Go

​A poem for you.​

No spam, just joy.

We've all heard of the famous five stages of grief: when you're grieving, you go through the following process:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

But as it turns out, we have got the five stages all wrong.

The five stages of grief come from the pioneering work of the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She was one of the first scientists to devote herself to the study of death. Through conducting interviews with several hundred people who were terminally ill, she discovered that most of them went through these five experiences. Here is the first problem: most of us who are grieving are mourning the loss of someone or something, not our own lives.

Second, the way that these stages are described makes it seem like they are linear, like you must start at denial and must end at acceptance. But Kübler-Ross never meant us to think of them in this way. You don't move from 1-2-3-4-5; it's more like 1-4-2-3-5-2-3-2-1-4-2-5-2-1-4-5. Even more, some people don't experience certain stages at all and some people experience multiple stages at the exact same time.

The other problem with viewing the five stages as linear is that people might try to 'get you' to move faster through the stages to reach what they perceive to be the final stage of acceptance. (How unsurprising that in Old Happy's goal-obsessed culture that we've decided that grief must have a goal, too.) In reality, there's no moment that marks grief as being 'done.'

What Kubler-Ross attempted to do — provide a container for understanding some of the most common feelings and expressions of grief — has been taken far too literally, with so many people believing that one must grieve in this process. But she would be the first to say that there is no one way to grieve. Grief is profoundly personal. It will be different for every single individual and for every single loss.

If you are grieving a loss in your life — of a person, a relationship, a pet, a job, a stage of your life, a role, a dream, or anything else — please know that your experience will look very different to everyone else's. You don't need to force yourself to go through any stages; you simply need to be with your experience, whatever it looks and feels like.

Catch your next unloving thought.

Can you turn it into a loving one?

From there, can you turn it into a loving action?

From there, can you see how it builds, from a loving relationship to a loving community to a loving world?

And it all started with the small choice you made: to choose the more loving thought. It all adds up.

When you have to hide who you are — you suffer.

When you can be who you are — you can feel more joy, build meaningful relationships, and contribute to the world.

But when you are loved for who you are — oh, that's when you really grow, in ways that you can't presently imagine.

That's why one of the greatest gifts we can give someone is to love them, exactly as they are.

When you accept another person's authentic self, you also are enabling them to step into a new version of that self. Your love can help them to expand and transform.

Old Happy will tell you that growth is all about what you do for yourself: your choices, your habits, your risks, your successes.

But it turns out that growth is also about what others do for you.

(P.S. It also works in reverse. By loving someone for who they are, you'll find that you end up growing, too.)

You’re haunted by your fears:

“What if it doesn’t work out?” “What if I can’t do it?” “What if it’s not worth all this struggle?”

That uncertainty about the future permeates the present: coloring your days with anxiety, leaving any progress feeling insufficient, and utterly draining any joy that could be found in the process.

But what if you believed that it would all work out?

If those fears about the future went away, would the present moment be more enjoyable?

Could you, perhaps, face your challenges with more courage, and celebrate your wins with more confidence?

Could this perspective make the process of moving towards that future a better experience for you, and for those around you?

If so, here's one small way to put this idea into practice. Ask yourself: if I knew it would all work out in the future, what's the next step I would take right now? Then take it. ​Remember:​ our actions are what create our beliefs; they're how we show ourselves what is being made true.

Old Happy: "Focus on finishing the day."
New Happy: "Focus on fully living the day."

It is so easy to get caught up in living on autopilot. We are so focused on getting to a future someday that we forget to experience this day.

Here’s a helpful little trick you can use to help you to fully experience this day.

Imagine that your future self traveled back to the present moment, to stand right next to you, here and now.

What would they think of you? They would celebrate you—your beauty, courage, energy, and hopes—as the incredible gifts they are. They’d recognize the determination that gets you out of bed each morning, the strength you show even when you feel uncertain, and the way you keep moving forward in the face of challenges.

What would they notice? They’d see all the things you take for granted—the people, moments, and small joys that you’ve grown accustomed to. They’d remind you that these fleeting, ordinary moments are the ones you’ll look back on with gratitude.

What would they want you to do? They’d urge you to cherish what’s here and now, knowing that nothing in life lasts forever. The challenges you face, the joys you experience, the connections you have—all of them are temporary, precious, and worth your full presence.

By imagining your future self in this way, you can transform your perspective of your present self—and that's what will help you to cope with the challenges and savor the joys.

Tips and Tools

1. ​​​​​​​​There's no timeline for life​ — Let go of it.

2. ​​​​​How to achieve your dreams​ — One step at a time.

3. ​​​​​What story are you telling?​ — Look for your focus.

4. ​​​​​Be the person​ — We can change the world.

5. ​​​​​The invisible growth​ — Keep persisting.

More from TNH

​Book​ — Order New Happy today to find true happiness.

​Podcast​ — Get a daily morning pep talk — in five minutes or less

​Speaking​ — Book us to speak to your team about well-being, resilience, and productivity.

​Articles​ — Read more articles on our website.

Community

What’s a change you want to make in your life?

"I want to leave behind a toxic work environment that dims my light and creates situations where I struggle to uphold my values."

"I want to change my major."

"I would love to no longer feel the need to explain or make excuses for myself about what I enjoy and what makes me happy."

"Instead of being angry, I want to be more patient and have more tolerance."

"I want to put myself out there, have fun and stop being shy and fearful!"

“Less overthinking, more doing.”

“Unconditional acceptance for myself.”

​Read more​

Before You Go

​Just keep practicing.​

No spam, just joy.

Other people will always have opinions about who you are. And quite often, those perspectives are ill-informed: one famous study found that it takes people just 1/10th of a second to form an impression of someone!

That begs an important question: why are you insisting on defining yourself according to someone who took a mere 1/10th of a second to judge you?

You are your own constant companion. You know who you really are. Deep down, you know that you are good, you are you deserving of happiness and joy, and you have so much to share with the world. Don't reject that inner knowing because of someone's split-second opinion.

The question, "How are you?" is often used as perfunctory greeting, a throwaway question, or an obligation that doesn't actually request a true response. There are only a few responses that are expected (and accepted):

Good.
Fine, thanks!
Well, and you?

It's for this exact reason that, when we're trying to really connect with another person, "How are you?" isn't a good question. Our instinct tells us: this person doesn't want the true answer — they want the surface answer. Our muscle memory jumps in, gives the default and appropriate response, and we miss a moment of connection.

For you might be feeling 'good' or 'fine' or 'well,' but also simultaneously 'anxious' and 'scared' and 'confused' and 'lonely' and 'excited' and 'hopeful' and 'grieving' and 'loving.' This is just how we are wired: a 2015 study found that people frequently experience positive and negative emotions at the same time.

If you want to know how someone is really doing, the key lies in that small word: really.

The next time you want to connect, try just adding one word to your typical question: "How are you, really?"

A rule of life: it's always going to feel messy at the start.

And this rule is not domain specific. It applies across the board: in learning a new skill, in creating something, in taking on a new role, in becoming a new version of yourself. These messy parts, as painful as they are, must be experienced; they are the on-ramp to the experiences of fulfillment, joy, and contentment that we are looking for.

Yet our tendency is to personalize this moment as something that’s wrong with us. But every great creator has navigated this same challenge. A few of my favorite famous examples:

• J.R.R. Tolkien didn't even have the eponymous ring in his first drafts of Lord of The Rings; it took multiple revisions to land on this idea.

• Ed Catmull, president of Pixar, says that, "Early on, all of our movies suck."

• Ernest Hemingway wrote the ending of A Farewell To Arms 39 different times before he was satisfied.

You can’t skip the messy part, because that’s where the magic happens. It’s the process of engaging with the mess that allows us to transform it. Through our attention and our effort, we turn it into something beautiful.

The next time you find yourself feeling adrift in the mess, pause and reach for compassion instead. Remind yourself, "This is how everyone feels when they're facing the mess; I am not alone. This feeling doesn't mean I'm not talented, capable, or resourceful. It just means I'm a human, going through the messy parts first."

I know that you are pursuing a goal that matters to you.

I know that it can be agonizingly slow.

I know that you persist and yet somehow it still feels like you're not moving forward.

I know that you sometimes feel confused and wonder if you're doing the right thing.

I know that it can sometimes feel so hard to keep going. I know you sometimes want to give up and throw in the towel, and do something that is a little bit easier instead.

Here's what I want you to know: you can do this.

Because I also know that you are brave — not everyone would take on this goal. I know that you are creative — you find inventive solutions to problems. I know that you are resilient — you get up after setbacks and learn from them. And above all else, I know that if you keep trying, one day you will wake up, and everything will be different.

Keep going!

Old Happy: I have to do it all perfectly.
New Happy: I just need to try my best.

Everyone reading this email has way too much to do every day. You have responsibilities that matter to you, you have to-do lists that never get finished, you have errands that must be run and chores to complete, needs to satisfy and hopes to seek out.

To cope with this overwhelm, we try to cut back wherever we can. We eliminate things from our lives. We try to be more efficient with less. We prioritize and streamline and promise to say “No!” more frequently.

And yet this doesn’t seem to work: we still feel too overwhelmed, too busy, too committed.

That’s because we’re not addressing an equally-important part of this challenge. We need to also shift our expectations about how we do everything that we need and want to do.

Pause and get honest with yourself. What are you expecting of yourself? If you can admit, “I’m expecting perfection in every area of my life and in everything that I do,” you’re halfway to freedom.

These expectations kick off an absolutely vicious Old Happy cycle:

• You expect perfection.

• When you (of course!) can’t be perfect, you beat yourself up.

• You resolve to try even harder to succeed at this impossible quest.

• That effort requires that you work harder and for longer.

• That makes you feel more stressed and overwhelmed.

• Those feelings make it far less likely that you’ll be able to succeed at your tasks (let alone at the superhuman level you're demanding.)

• The struggle to perform then leads to more feelings of shame and more expressions of self-criticism…

• And on and on it goes.

Here's the good news: you can release these inhumane expectations for yourself and, instead, accept that you are a human being, who is absolutely wonderful and has very real limitations, including the inability to do everything absolutely perfectly. Embracing your humanity looks like:

• Leaving the dishes unwashed in the sink so you can play outside with your kids.

• Not responding to emails as soon as you get them.

• Taking a ten minute walk when you don’t have time to do a full workout.

It doesn't mean that you don’t care about doing well or giving yourself fully to your life. It just means that you stop striving for perfection everywhere and start looking to try your best instead. Your best will look different from day to day and from task to task. And that’s okay. More than that, it's completely normal. Even more than that, it's good. It shows your humanity.

Tips and Tools

1. ​What you deserve​ — This week's animation.

2. ​You are always evolving​ — Change is always happening.

3. ​How to accept your feelings​ — The power.

4. ​Asking for what you need​ — Let people help you.

5. ​Invisible growth​ — Things are happening beneath the surface.

More from TNH

​Book​—Order New Happy today to find true happiness.

​Podcast​ — Get a daily morning pep talk — in five minutes or less

​Speaking​ — Book us to speak to your team about well-being, resilience, and productivity.

​Articles​ — Read more articles on our website.

Community

What’s something you want to let go of?

“The past, I’m done being angry with myself.”

“Shame and beating myself up over the little things.”

“My anxiety.”

“Regrets and guilt about the past.”

“Negative self talk.”

“The pressure to be productive and perfect.”

​​​​​Read more​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Before You Go

​Our role models.​

No spam, just joy.

There are two types of growth: invisible growth and visible growth.

Visible growth is wonderful. It's the moment when you see the results. You achieve a major milestone or all of your hard work pays off. You find a new job, you embark upon a new stage in your life, you complete a major project or launch a product into the world.

But what we have to keep in mind is that this visible growth is only possible because of the invisible growth that preceded it. Invisible growth is where the real change happens. It’s where you identify your values, make important decisions, cultivate habits and self-discipline, practice over and over (and over) again, take risks, and learn from your mistakes. Without invisible growth, there is no visible growth—and it takes a lot longer than we expect it too to see the results we're hoping for.

Sometimes, you will go through periods in your life where you won't see any visible growth — and these times can be deeply frustrating.

When that happens to you, check in with yourself: are you persisting with your invisible work? If so, stay consistent. The results will all be visible soon, and you'll be so grateful that you persevered.

You're a human being. Humans have needs. It's okay to need things.

I know this might be hard to believe. You might be used to denying your needs. You might have learned to pretend that you don't need anything, that you had it all together on your own. You might have been expected to give everything you needed to yourself.

Our greatest need as humans is for one another; it's through our relationships that we are able to help each other fulfill our individual and collective needs. Learning to participate in this exchange of giving and receiving is an essential part of living your New Happy life.

Today, I want to encourage you to ask for just one thing that you need today. If you're not sure how to get started, take these three steps.

Step 1: Identify what you need.

For example, do you need...

• Emotional support or practical support?

• Closeness or space?

• Calm or celebration?

• Action or rest?

• Structure or freedom?

Step 2: Acknowledge your need.

Say your need out loud — to yourself, first. (That can be hard if you're used to denying your needs!) Say to yourself: I need this. I'm a human being and humans need things. It's okay to need this.

Step 3: Ask for it.

Turn towards the people in your life and let them know what you need. Here are some examples to guide you:

• "I need some time to recover after work today. Would you be willing to run point on dinner and cleanup tonight so that I can rest?"

• "I know you have been busy at work. It's important to me to feel connected to you. Would you set aside one night next week where we can grab dinner and hang out?"

• "I need more purpose in my life and I want to spend some time volunteering. Would you be willing to watch the kids on Saturday so I can do that?"

This person might not be able to provide what you need. You might compromise, explore different ways of fulfilling the need, or find others who can help with it. The chances of receiving it are much higher when you ask directly. And the practice of asking helps you to build relationships of mutual care which, in the long run, create the greatest form of happiness there is.

You're a human being. That means that you, like all other human beings, will experience painful and difficult emotions.

Instead of pushing these emotions away, viewing them as an indication that you're flawed or broken, I want you to try something new. I want you to try to accept them, knowing that all they indicate is that you are a human being who is going through a particularly challenging moment.

Here's my favorite sentence to help you to do this:

"This is how it is, right now."

Say these words to yourself.

This pain is how it is... right now.
​This sadness is how it is... right now.
​This grief is how it is... right now.

In one sentence, we can accept whatever is happening in the moment. The magic of this sentence, though, is that it also reminds us that this moment will not last forever. Because that's another part of the human experience: that no matter how painful these moments are, they eventually do pass.

When I was a teenager, someone told me that every cell in your body replaced itself every seven years.

This filled me with awe. There was something so compelling to me about the idea that you were always changing into a new, different version of you.

I later found out that this fact is a major oversimplification. Yes, every cell in your body does replace itself over the course of your lifetime — but not every seven years and not at the same rate for every cell. Your skin cells replace every few weeks; your fat cells last for about ten years.

Recently, many scientists have made progress into understanding how this works and pinpointed the telomere, which are a part of your chromosome. As you age, your telomeres become shorter, increasing the likelihood of developing diseases like cancer, dementia, and diabetes. What you do in your daily life influences how quickly your telomeres shorten. For example, studies have found that certain choices like what you eat and how you move can increase the length of your telomeres.

And these changes are not limited to our physical selves, either. Some researchers argue that our personalities are not at all set in stone, but a constant and flexible thing that is ever-shifting; big life events like having a child or losing a job can change your personality; and intervention studies find we can consciously shift parts of our personality.

In short: we are always changing.

This was the reason that I, as a teenager, found the idea of 'born anew every 7 years' to be compelling. It offered a lot of hope. It wasn't just that you could change, but that you were already changing. There was no need to be stuck in the past, and there was the possibility to utterly transform in the future. Perhaps you could even have a hand in that change, cultivating the best parts of you and discovering new parts that you didn't know were within.

The next time you say to yourself, "I'm just not that kind of person..." or "I'm never able to change..." remember just how untrue that really is. You're never done.

Studies have found that good listening has three key behaviors: offering attention, seeking understanding, and conveying positive intention.

Here are a few easy ways you can be a more present listener.

Give the other person your attention:

• Before you start the conversation, establish your capacity (“I have twenty minutes to talk right now, and then I will have to get back to work,” or “I need a bit of time to wind-down, and then we can spend time together!”)

• In the conversation, minimize distractions (put your phone down, turn off the television, choose an appropriate time for in-depth conversations.)

Be curious:

• Summarize what they say (“It sounds like you’re saying…” and “What I’m hearing is…”)

• Ask for clarification (“Am I getting this right?”)

• Invite them to go deeper (“Could you share more about that experience?” or “What were you feeling in that moment?”)

Express care:

• Extend compassion (“That must have been so painful,” or “What do you need right now?”)

• Point out their strengths (“Your courage in that moment was awe-inspiring,” or “You always make me laugh.”)

• Share your gratitude (“This was such a great conversation," or “I’m so thankful that you opened up to me.”)

Tips and Tools

1. ​What people see​ — This week's animation.

2. ​Start today​ — The secret to motivation.

3. ​How to respond​ — Shift out of a reaction.

4. ​How you meet it​ — Compassion wins.

5. ​Change is coming​ — Try patience.

More from TNH

​Book​—Order New Happy today to find true happiness.

​Podcast​ — Get a daily morning pep talk — in five minutes or less

​Speaking​ — Book us to speak to your team about well-being, resilience, and productivity.

​Articles​ — Read more articles on our website.

Community

What's an act of kindness you still remember?

"A ride from a stranger to the airport when the shuttle didn’t show up."

"A co-worker brought a bouquet of flowers and a card to me after a hard weekend at work."

"I was crying on a bus and an old lady passed me a tissue with the kindest look on her face."

"Being patient with me as I learn new things."

"My family is kind enough to let me sleep in, especially when I had a long day."

"Being appreciated and validated by friends and loved ones."

"Initiative to spend time together."

​​​​Read more​​​​​​​​​​

Before You Go

There they go!​

No spam, just joy.