Why gratitude can help in hard times
Gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to transform our well-being. But there's a lot of misconceptions about it, how it works, and how to practice it. In this episode, we'll walk you through the science of gratitude, how to create a mindset that is more supportive of it, and the ways in which it can help you, in good times and hard ones.
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Transcript
Hi, I’m Stephanie Harrison and you’re listening to The New Happy podcast, where we teach you the science of happiness in short, bite sized episodes. This week, we’re covering how to increase your confidence.
You know what’s scary? Listening to your heart’s true calling. Pursuing your dreams. Sharing your gifts with the world.
You know what’s devastating? Not doing those things.
Many of us are caught between those two extreme emotional states. We’re terrified to start and terrified not to.
So we take the path of least resistance: telling ourselves that what we have is good enough, that we’d probably fail if we pursued it anyway, that what society told us to do is right, what other people want for us is correct, and that dreams are for other people, not for us.
I want you to stand up and declare who you are, what matters to you, and move towards it.
For long time listeners, you know that our New Happy philosophy of happiness is sharing your gifts with the world. And there’s one essential trait that will make it possible for you to do this: confidence.
I think that there are a few different types of confidence out there. The one we want is authentic confidence.
This is in stark contrast to the other type of confidence, inauthentic confidence. This is based upon what you have. Your appearance, your job title, your relationships. If those disappeared, so would your confidence. It might also be based upon what other people think of you. If you think others like you, you feel good. If you lose their approval, you feel bad about yourself.
Many people who have a lot to give the world don’t share their gifts because they are afraid of embodying inauthentic confidence. This is one of the biggest barriers I see to people fulfilling their potential. If you are worrying about that, I’ll encourage you to put it aside.
This is a fundamentally different type of confidence – it’s much quieter, much braver, and much more supportive. It’s about standing up and saying that you have worth, but that you also recognize that you are a part of an ecosystem of other people. It’s not selfish or self-focused; it’s a type of confidence that’s grounded in happiness for everyone, not just for you, and that recognizes if you want to contribute to the happiness of all, then you need to share yourself with the world.
When you live your New Happy – finding your gifts and sharing them with the world to make it a better place, you also find confidence as a by product of that. Because you’re tapped into the truest part of yourself, and you’re expressing that self, you automatically feel this strong sense of authenticity.
This is feeling confident because you know who you are at your core, and you understand that you are worthy and unique. This is the confidence that is stable, resilient, and powerful. It supports you through taking risks and leaps, and bouncing back from setbacks. When you have this confidence, you're able to take your unique gifts and offer them to the world in a meaningful way.
I’ve put together a set of tools that you can use to help build authentic confidence. Taking these actions will help you to bring your true gifts to the world and make it a better place, while also helping you to find lasting happiness.
1. Recognize your inherent remarkableness
It's a miracle that you're even here, reading these words. A Buddhist legend says that the odds of being born are the same as if you were to throw a life ring on the open ocean, and at that exact moment, a blind sea tortoise poked its head through the ring. Even if you’re not into religion or spirituality, it’s worth reflecting on this extraordinary image for a moment and realizing how miraculous it is that you’re alive.
No one has ever lived your life before. No one has had your experiences, your thoughts, or your relationships. No one has your particular gifts. You are completely unique. There is no one can compete with you when you're living as your true self. It's only when you try to be someone else's self that troubles arise.
The realization of your remarkableness is the basis of authentic confidence. It's not inauthentic confidence to recognize that you are unique and special — it's the truth.
2. Redefine your self-image
Lots of us are living lives that someone else designed for us. We're also embodying other peoples' images of ourselves. Are you letting your mom/high-school bully/coworker's perception of you define your existence?
Your authentic confidence comes from the alignment between who you are on the inside and who you are on the outside. Here is a quick exercise to help you bring them together
Take a moment and imagine that you moved to a foreign country, where you knew no one. What would you do with your days? How would you introduce yourself? How would you act? That's you, as you are, now. Start being that person on the outside.
3. Identify your gifts
Gifts are the unique things that make you feel alive and that help you to have an impact on the world. There is no one out there who doesn't have their own gifts. Trust me. You are not the one and only exception to the rule!
To find yours, you need to sit, get quiet, and listen. Most people already know exactly what it is, but they’re terrified to speak it out loud.
You might be afraid that honoring it will be bragging (it's not because that’s inauthentic confidence.)
You might worry that speaking about your gifts or noticing them will upend your life, and point to the ways in which you are not honoring them right now (it might, but not honoring it will be far worse.)
You might be afraid by the enormity of your realization and feel unsure of how you’ll ever make it happen (like everything, you will find a way, one step at a time; you’ll figure it out just like you’ve figured everything else out.)
The world needs your gift. Honoring it is, simultaneously, the single greatest act of self-love and of service that there is.
4. Start practicing your gift in small ways
Choose a way to embody them in your life. Ideally, something really small that’s integrated into your day to day. If you think that your gift is writing, don’t worry about the outcome — how your book will be perceived, whether it will be a bestseller. Just focus on writing every day.
As you practice, learn, and improve, you'll build a sense of mastery, one of the keys to confidence. You’re building a bridge between who you are to what you do.
As you practice you might find out important things. You might think, hey, I thought I wanted to write a novel, but it turns out I want to write scripts, or comic books, or copy. You'll also be able to figure out what you like and what you want to pursue further.
5. Put your gift out there into the world
I do want to encourage you to start small here. Start with people who you trust and who have your best interests at heart. It can feel so vulnerable to share something, particularly when you’ve created it from that innermost core of your being, of who you are. Offer it up to people who you know will give you great feedback and will cheer you on.
If you don’t share it with others, it’s not really a gift. It’s something you’re keeping for yourself.
The more you share, the sooner that you’ll realize that most people would never judge you or make fun of you. If they're also trying to develop authentic confidence, they'll only be cheering you on and supporting you. And if they're pursuing inauthentic confidence, honestly they're too busy thinking about themselves to ever think about you. Let this free you. Share it with the people who will resonate with, get feedback, and learn from it.
6. Surround yourself with other authentically confident people
Alongside of this, it’s important to find your people who are on the same path. The more you are surrounded by people who are pursuing authentic confidence, the easier it will be to pursue it yourself. Being around authentically confident people makes you feel bigger. They make you feel empowered, inspired, and motivated. In an interesting way, their connection to their true self makes you feel closer to your true self. They show you what life is like when we honor and share our gifts with the world.
On the other hand, people who are pursuing inauthentic confidence can make us feel like we’re in a competition, or we’re doing the wrong thing by breaking away from the traditional path.
7. When you face a setback, use it to learn and grow
As you share your gifts, you will face setbacks and challenges. But you can handle them. See these as the gift that they are: a chance to move more into your truth.
That’s why it’s so important to have your community around you. If someone has your best interests at heart, they will want to give you the feedback that helps you to grow further and deeper.
Feedback is necessary for living your New Happy. You don’t have all of the answers, and you’re not supposed to! It’s in engaging with the world that we find our joy, and learning from those experiences. The courage to try, learn, integrate it, and to continue doing so, will only increase your authentic confidence.
When you start to truly believe in yourself, and ground that belief in your inherent worth as a human being, your entire life will transform for the better. Authentic confidence is the trait that will guide you to a life that is uniquely yours.
I hope today’s episode empowers you to go out there in the world and to be yourself, in all of your goodness. The world needs you to be you, and you need you to be you.
