This habit might be hurting your relationships
Want to bring more empathy to your conversations?
Think about how hard it can be for you to put words to our feelings, thoughts, and requests. Taking what’s inside and getting it out in an authentic, truthful way is tough. We’re really familiar with how it feels to us — but often forget that our conversation partner actually has the same struggles. In any conversation, they’re also in the midst of doing that, and trying to find their way through.
Empathy can be a powerful tool here: it helps us to learn to better understand their unique way of communicating and to be a conversation partner that helps them tease out what they are trying to say.
Here are a few ways to practice that.
Be present. The more you’re paying attention to what they’re saying, the more likely it will be that you can extend empathy. There’s a really simple way to help facilitate this: put your phone away. Studies have found that just the presence of a cell phone on a table both decreases your enjoyment of a conversation with someone, but it also makes it less likely that you’ll have a meaningful conversation.
Ask questions. This is a win-win for both people. When you ask questions in a conversation, you are helping the other person to spool out more of their thoughts and move towards greater clarity. That, in turn, helps you to have a greater and more accurate understanding of what they are feeling or needing. An especially good way to do this is through follow-up questions. When they say something, dig in:
“Can you tell me a bit more about that?”
“How did you feel when that happened?”
Check in on your understanding. One of the greatest barriers to good communication is making assumptions. Keep checking in on your understanding with statements or questions like:
“It sounds like you’re saying you want [x], is that right?”
“What I’m hearing from you is you’re feeling [x], is that true?”
“To make sure I understand, here’s what I think you’re asking me to do, did I get it or did I miss anything?”
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