How To Manage Your Anger
Let’s talk about one of our most challenging emotions: anger. It's challenging in two ways: hard to feel and hard to manage.
I like to think of anger as a wave. There are different types of waves. Sometimes, it’s a small one that breaks quickly and without much fanfare—that’s irritation or annoyance. Sometimes, it’s an enormous wave that has grown and grown as it rushes towards the shore, where it finally breaks with enormous crashes and noise—that’s fury or rage.
It’s perfectly normal to have your own waves of anger. You are human and therefore you will feel angry sometimes. It is an emotion that serves a critical protective function, not only in safeguarding your own well-being but also the well-being of our society. With wisdom, anger can be transformed into a force for good, like when it is funneled toward the pursuit of justice and peace.
Unfortunately, our instinctive reactions to anger don’t often serve us: studies show that it hurts our well-being to repress anger, stew in it, or express it through unconstructive ways like venting and criticism. We need to learn a new way to work with it, and here's one way to do so.
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Catch it as it begins
Pay attention to early signs that you might be feeling anger.
Do you feel more alert, more judgmental, more separate from others?
Do you notice physical signs, like a racing heart or sweaty palms?
Do you start speaking more loudly, or shrinking down, or feeling overwhelmed?
As you start to notice the anger building within you, name it: this can help you tap into the wiser part of your brain and reduce the intensity of the emotion.
Pause, step away and breathe
If you can, step away from whatever has brought this feeling about.
You might say, “I’m going to take a few minutes break from this conversation until I’m feeling calmer,” or “I want to have a constructive meeting, so let’s revisit this in the future when we’re both in a good place.”
This pause can sometimes act like a wave-breaker, preventing the emotion from becoming bigger than necessary. At the very least, it gives you the chance to shift into responding instead of reacting.
Care for yourself until it passes
If you can’t physically distance yourself, focus on your breath. Using deliberate breathing practices can help you to navigate the intensity of the emotion.
If you can take some space, you might want to go for a walk, do a workout, journal about your feelings, or do something else that supports your well-being.
Reflect on what it has to teach you
Once the wave has passed, you have the opportunity to reflect on what brought the anger about and what lessons it contains for you.
Some questions you might ask yourself:
What sparked this anger? Be as specific as you can.
Did an external event trigger something within me? Often, we become angry because of deep-seated pains that happened long ago.
Do I need to express myself? Identify if there was a violation of your needs or boundaries that might need to be addressed.
Have I felt this anger before? Repeatedly experiencing chronic anger can lead to stress and health problems.
What's my responsibility? Identify any actions that you might need to take.
How could I prepare for this in the future? Decide on a plan of action for the next time that you encounter this challenge or trigger.
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