Weekly: Acknowledge then act

Old Happy: "I need to try to please everyone.”
New Happy: "I need to act in alignment with my values.”

"How do I stop worrying about what other people think of me?" It’s a question I hear all the time. And my answer is: you can't, and more than that, you wouldn’t want to. Worrying about what other people think of you is a sign that you are conscientious, that you care about others, and that you are a part of a community. To cast that off would make you far more unhappy than anything you would gain.

But I understand what is driving it. You want to be free to act in ways that are right for you. So here is a different question that can yield more helpful results: “How do I stop allowing other people’s opinions dictate my choices?”

Here’s my recommendation.

Step 1: Get curious about your worries.
Who, specifically, are you worried about disappointing or upsetting? State their names out loud. What makes you worry about them in particular? Do you know for certain they will reaction in this way?

What you might discover is that there aren’t any specific people, but that instead, you’re worried about what everyone will think. All people. Everywhere. If that’s the case, remind yourself that there is no way to please everyone in the world, and if you try, you will end up surely disappointing yourself.

Step 2: Identify the choice that’s most aligned with your values.
Your values are like a compass, guiding you towards what matters to you. If you don’t know your values yet, our free Values Wheel tool is a great place to start. You can look at your list and identify which choice helps you to most embody its items.

If the person whose opinion you’re worried about is someone who really matters to you, it can sometimes be helpful to have an open conversation about why you’re making this choice. Explain to them what you want to do, why, and give them a chance to ask you questions. It might actually present an incredible opportunity to connect.

Step 3: Meet any uncomfortable emotions with compassion
After making this choice, you might notice some difficult feelings coming up. Perhaps you run into someone whose opinion you worry about, and you have an awkward conversation. Perhaps someone makes a snide comment to you, and you have to stand up for yourself. In these moments, treat yourself with compassion and care. The discomfort is real and you are strong enough to navigate it. Remind yourself that these choices mean that you are living a life that's true to you — and that’s brave and meaningful.

Tips and Tools

1. The wave — This week’s animation.

2. Coping wi th setback s — Feel it.

3. How we br eak the cy cle — The Three C’s.

4. Th e impor tance of b reaks — Ten strategies.

5. S pot your patterns — So you can change them.

Community

What's an important decision you made recently?

"Making a drastic career change (at 27)."

"Leaving someone that I love."

"To leave my job to take care of my mental health."

"I was sick this week, so I missed a lot of school. I have spent a lot of time trying to catch up. I finally felt well enough to come to school, but I didn't really want to go because I felt that I was too far behind and would never catch up; but I ended up coming to school - and I'm glad I did. My friends and teachers welcomed me back with open arms and didn't judge me for not understanding a topic, they took time and helped me understand it. This taught me that I can overcome, and there are people in my life that care about me."

"Whether or not to create a firm boundary between myself and my brother. I chose to create it to protect my own peace."

“Decided to start exercising.”

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