Weekly: How to “be there”
Old Happy: "I have to fix their problem."
New Happy: "I can love them as they face their problem."
It's hard to watch someone you love suffer. Sometimes, in trying to alleviate their pain (and our own distress), we end up accidentally hurting them:
In ignoring their pain because we 'don't want to bring it up and remind them', we can leave them feeling lonely.
In trying to problem solve, we can leave them feeling ashamed.
In trying to cheer them up, we can leave them believing that their feelings don't matter.
What really alleviates people's pain is having someone who is willing to sit in it with them.
This can sound like an abstract idea, so I've coined an acronym — LOVE — to help you put it into practice.
Look at them: Give them your full attention. Don’t be scared or shy away from their struggles. What do you see? What do you sense? How might they be having a hard time?
Open up to their pain: Demonstrate that you want to know more about their pain by asking questions. You might say something like...
"What's it like managing [XYZ challenge] right now?"
"Will you tell me more about what that was like?"
"What are you feeling right now?"
Validate what they're experiencing: Whatever they share, reflect it back to them, both to build your understanding and to honor their experience.
"It sounds like you might be feeling overwhelmed. Is that right?"
"What you're facing is hard. Everyone would struggle with it."
"I'm hearing that you need me to do this household task and it would make you feel more supported."
Express your love: Finally, tell them that you love them, a sentiment that can take so many forms.
"I believe in you."
"I see how hard you're trying and how brave you are."
"You are not alone. We'll figure it out together."
Tips and Tools
1. What you deserve — This week's animation.
2. Try some gentleness — You deserve your love.
3. It doesn't have to be perfect — You can just do your best.
4. How to ask for what you need — Take these steps.
5. Build a loving world — One thought at a time.
More from TNH
Book — Order New Happy today to find true happiness.
Podcast — Get a daily morning pep talk — in five minutes or less
Speaking — Book us to speak to your team about well-being, resilience, and productivity.
Articles — Read more articles on our website.
Community
What's something kind someone has done for you lately?
"I'm sick and my father brought me some juice and croissants."
"Someone was excited for me!"
"Supported me when my mood was low."
"Bought me dinner."
"Listened to me with an open heart and kind presence."
"Dug my umbrella in the sand after I was struggling bad."
Before You Go
The Definitive Guide to Happiness
A groundbreaking new approach based on a decade’s worth of research and brought to life with beautiful artwork, New Happy shows you the proven path to happiness.
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