Weekly: The one who stays
I have been hearing from a lot of you lately that either 1) you are personally going through a really hard time and feeling lonely, or 2) you love someone who is going through a hard time and want to make sure they don't feel alone.
In response, we've put together today's newsletter, with a perspective on how to show up for your friends in hard times, as well as how to ask for help in hard times. I hope it helps you, whether you're feeling 1) or 2) or even both.
Take care,
Stephanie Harrison, founder of The New Happy
This Week
What do you think causes loneliness? Many of us assume it's external factors like living alone, being elderly, being single, or being shy.
But research shows that this isn't true. Loneliness is actually highly correlated with going through a hard time in your life: like illness, death, job loss, and life transitions. Unfortunately, it seems that the times we need one another most are the times that we're most likely to feel alone.
What can we do about this?
If you love someone going through a hard time:
Most of us were not taught how to cope with suffering — our own or another's. Because of this, seeing it can make us feel so upset and trigger our own pain, often sending us running in the opposite direction.
To overcome this, we need to tap into our wiser selves. Can you face the fact that there is probably nothing you can do to make their suffering go away, and that this isn't a responsibility that you can put upon yourself? When you do, you can start to see what is your responsibility: how you show up and give them your presence, love, and care. That's what lightens the burden of suffering — someone else to be there to help you carry it.
Make this your mantra: "I don't need to fix. I just need to stay."
If you are going through a hard time:
Consider reaching out to those in your life and being forthright about what you need (and what you don't need.) A script you can use is:
"As you know, I have been dealing with [challenge] lately. It has left me feeling pretty lonely. What I really need right now is... [someone to spend time with / someone to listen / someone to take my mind off things / someone to hang out with / someone to check in on me / someone to help around the house / etc] Is that something you can help with? I don't need you to fix me. I just want you to be here with me."
More Tips and Tools
1. It feels messy — It's part of the process.
2. Love stays the same — How to cultivate love in a changing relationship.
3. Difficult and meaningful — It can be both.
4. Talk about your feelings — How to untangle your feelings.
5. It's your life — Don't wait for permission to do what you want to do.
Or listen to the podcast episodes (Apple, Spotify) from this week!
Community
When you were going through a hard time, what did people do that helped? What do you wish people had done?
“Give space, validate, and honor that what I was going through was indeed hard or complex and it makes sense to feel the way I was feeling. Hold no judgement if I was at times distant or less responsive.”
“Listening empathetically without judgment and without the need to provide advice. That sort of coming alongside has always made me feel seen and loved during tough moments.”
“Listened and accepted me for who I was at the time, rather than trying to “fix it” for me.”
“Validated my feelings and sat with me in silence.”
“Just their presence (and a bonus long hug.)”
Inspiration
1. An elevator to space (Neal.Fun via Kottke) — Apparently, real 'space elevators' are being considered by scientists?!
2. Gandalf meets Gandalf (BBC) — This is delightful.
3. A famed Afghan violinist moved to LA with nothing (Washington Post) — A moving story of love, hope, and perseverance.
Before You Go
No spam, just joy.
