You Are Not The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With
There’s a popular quote that goes around, saying “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Here’s why this is a bad way to think about your relationships.
There’s a popular quote that goes around, saying “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
It’s one of those sayings that seems positive on the surface, but once we look a little bit deeper, find is actually reinforcing Old Happy.
The message is one of consuming: look at what other people are giving you, and if they’re not helping you achieve your self-interested goals, toss them and upgrade to someone else.
Instead, if you want to experience joy and meaning, we're far better served by taking responsibility for being the light: asking how we can contribute to those around us, choosing to embody love in all its forms, and striving to be the type of person that empowers others to be their best selves.
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What Makes A True Friend?
People who have close friendships have better psychological and physical well-being. And some researchers even argue that the single most important factor to living a good life is the quality of our friendships.
The first book I remember reading on my own was The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. I have a distinct memory of being so captivated by it that I refused to respond to my mom's calls for dinner.
Another series that bewitched me some years later was the Lord of the Rings. I know I’m not alone in having these texts be such important touchstones of my youth.
A few years ago, I was so delighted to find out that the authors of these books, C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, were also the best of friends. In 1926, one year after Tolkien began teaching at Oxford, he met Lewis during a faculty meeting. They soon bonded over their shared passion for mythology.
They agreed that science fiction and fantasy books were not what they could be — and set out to write their own. This mutual encouragement gifted us with two of the greatest stories the world has ever seen.
Both credit their friendship with being essential to the development of their creations. Tolkien shared an early draft of a Middle Earth story with Lewis, who encouraged him to keep writing. Lewis experienced a crisis of faith and turned to Tolkien, who encouraged him to bring these themes to his stories, leading to the world of Narnia.
Tolkien wrote:
"The unpayable debt that I owe to [Lewis] was not 'influence' as it is ordinarily understood but sheer encouragement. He was for long my only audience. Only from him did I ever get the idea that my 'stuff' could be more than a private hobby. But for his interest and unceasing eagerness for more I should never have brought The L. of the R. to a conclusion.”'
We all need a friend or two like this. As Lewis himself articulated, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
Thousands of years ago, Aristotle defined three types of friendship.
Friendship for pleasure (two people go to the bar to have fun)
Friendship for utility (two people with complementary skills work to achieve a project)
Friendship for virtue (two people help one another become their best selves and develop their souls)
By all accounts, Tolkien and Lewis loved to drink at the bar together. And I’m sure they also offered one another some level of utilitarian support. But by all accounts, they were mostly soul friends: encouraging one another to dig deep into their imagination and to persevere in turning it into literary genius.
Scientific research tells us that true friends are essential to our well-being. Intimate friendships erect a protective bubble around us, buffering us from the negative effect of stress. People who have close friendships have better psychological and physical well-being. And some researchers even argue that the single most important factor to living a good life is the quality of our friendships.
How to find your soul friends
Here is the little known secret to finding your soul friends: if you want to have one, you can start by being one!
We are wired to mirror the behavior of others. And we naturally want to reciprocate what we receive. You can sometimes transform pleasure or utility friends into soul friends, simply by being the type of friend you want to have. And once you know what it’s like to have soul friends, you can set your bar for future friends at that level. (I’m always here to be your soul friend, too!)
Here are three quick strategies you can use to be a soul friend:
Hold Up The Mirror
Aristotle argued that becoming better could happen by holding up a mirror to your friend, showing themselves a view that was otherwise impossible to see. One way to do this is by sharing what you have learned from them. By doing this, you can help them to see their highest and best qualities, which might not be in their awareness.
Ask A Deeper Question
We tend to recycle rote questions in our interactions. Be the friend who asks the deep, thought-provoking questions. This will invite vulnerability, which facilitates faster bonding and deeper relationships. What would you do if money was no object? Who do you admire most in the world? What is your definition of success? What do you want your legacy to be? Questions like these can open up transformative, life-giving conversations
See Your Friend As Yourself
Soul friends see their friend as a part of them — they celebrate their wins and feel their pains as though they were their own. Be the first person to celebrate them. Be the first person to follow up after a challenging experience. Let them know when you think of them, and think of them often. Being supportive in this way is so powerful.
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How To Be A Better Listener
Here’s a surprising secret: everything you want in life — good feelings, loving relationships, a purpose, success at work — can be facilitated by one key skill: being a better listener.
Here’s a surprising secret: everything you want in life — good feelings, loving relationships, a purpose, success at work — can be facilitated by one key skill: being a better listener.
Studies have found that good listening has three key behaviors: offering attention, seeking understanding, and conveying positive intention.
Here are a few easy ways you can be a more present listener.
Give the other person your attention:
Establish your capacity (“I have twenty minutes to talk right now, and then I will have to get back to work,” or “I need a bit of time to wind-down, and then we can spend time together!”)
Try to minimize distractions (put your phone down, turn off the television, choose an appropriate time for in-depth conversations.)
Be curious:
Summarize what they say (“It sounds like you’re saying…” and “What I’m hearing is…”)
Ask for clarification (“Am I getting this right?”)
Invite them to go deeper (“Could you share more about that experience?” or “What were you feeling in that moment?”)
Express care:
Extend compassion (“That must have been so painful,” or “What do you need right now?”)
Point out their strengths (“Your courage in that moment was awe-inspiring,” or “You always make me laugh.”)
Share your gratitude (“This was such a great conversation," or “I’m so thankful that you opened up to me.”)
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A groundbreaking new approach based on a decade’s worth of research and brought to life with beautiful artwork, New Happy shows you the proven path to happiness.
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