The hidden forces shaping your life
Let me know if this cycle sounds familiar.
Step 1: You decide that it's time: you’re going to make a change in your life. You're going to write that book, start that exercise program, or finally organize your garage.
Step 2: You sit down and come up with a plan. Tomorrow, you're going to wake up, and you're going to do a bunch of things differently, and life is finally going to change for the better.
Step 3: You wake up with the best of intentions to follow through on your plan, but it's very quickly derailed by real life.
Step 4: You are left feeling frustrated, demoralized, and believing that it's all your fault. "Maybe it's true," you think to yourself. "Maybe I'm just not capable of changing."
If this is familiar, you're not alone. I can't count the number of times I've been through this cycle myself.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Change is possible — you’re just pursuing it in the wrong way.
The secret: stop trying to control yourself. Stop looking at yourself as inadequate and unworthy and requiring of extreme self-disciplinary strategies.
Instead, strive to support yourself. Ask, “What would make it easier for me to perform this behavior? How can I transform my environment to help me achieve my goals?”
One study found that 43% of our daily actions are done unconsciously: like walking straight to the coffee maker when you get out of bed or picking up your phone when it lights up. These unconscious behaviors are then rooted into the environment surrounding you, prompting you to do the same things in the same way over and over again. That’s why we stay stuck where we are, even if we’re trying hard to change.
If the environment around you changes, or you make changes to the environment around you, all of a sudden, those unconscious habits are disrupted. It’s an opportunity to adopt and build a new habitual behavior — but this time, make it one that is actually aligned with your goals.
For example, one study found that when people moved to a neighborhood with more access to parks and public transport, they started to exercise more. Their new home made a behavior easier.
It turns out that this might be the key to success. People who we think of as having ‘higher self-control’ have just set up their context to help them engage in these positive behaviors. That's why your organized friend has a specific place for every item in their home, your fit friend bicycles to work everyday, and your thoughtful friend has everyone's birthday saved in her calendar. They’ve found ways to shape their environment, which in turn shapes their behaviors, which in turn helps them to achieve their goals.
So please, stop beating yourself up, and start focusing on how you can shape your environment to be more supportive of you and your goals. It’s the kind and the practical thing to do for yourself.
Get our free daily newsletter
Start your day with a piece of art and a science-backed tip.
It’s the only email that makes you happier.
