Where the magic happens
Good feelings. Loving relationships. A purpose. Knowing that you matter.
We want these things. And it’s no wonder that we do! This is the magic that our world has to offer.
We look for the magic in all sorts of places, chasing it through achievement, praise, and external gratifications. Sometimes, we catch hold of it for a moment or two, but it quickly fades away.
You don’t have to look for the magic. It’s available right here and now, in your next conversation. The distraction that gets in the way comes from the mistaken belief that the magic is to be found somewhere else.
By choosing to be a present listener, you can create an experience where both people leave the conversation feeling fulfilled, connected, and purposeful.
Studies have found that good listening has three key behaviors: offering attention, seeking understanding, and conveying positive intention.
Here are a few easy ways you can be a more present listener.
Give them your attention:
Establish your capacity (“I have twenty minutes to talk right now, and then I will have to get back to work,” or “I need a bit of time to wind-down, and then we can spend time together!”)
Try to minimize distractions (put your phone down, turn off the television, choose an appropriate time for in-depth conversations.)
Be curious:
Summarize what they say (“It sounds like you’re saying…” and “What I’m hearing is…”)
Ask for clarification (“Am I getting this right?”)
Invite them to go deeper (“Could you share more about that experience?” or “What were you feeling in that moment?”)
Express care:
Extend compassion (“That must have been so painful,” or “What do you need right now?”)
Point out their strengths (“Your courage in that moment was awe-inspiring,” or “You always make me laugh.”)
Share your gratitude (“This was such a great conversation," or “I’m so thankful that you opened up to me.”)
As the author Wendell Berry wrote, “The teachers are everywhere. What is wanted is a learner.” When you choose to be a learner, you create the magic.
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