Why Resisting Pain Turns It Into Suffering
Life is full of pain. But most of us are never taught how to acknowledge this, let alone to effectively face and experience it. Because of this, despite having the very best of intentions, we tend to respond to pain in ways that backfire and turn it into suffering.
Life is full of pain. But most of us are never taught how to acknowledge this, let alone to effectively face and experience it. Because of this, despite having the very best of intentions, we tend to respond to pain in ways that backfire and turn it into suffering.
A common response is to resist the pain. We pretend that everything is fine, even though we are despairing within. We suppress our emotions, deny our needs, or reject our authentic responses to events. We apply judgments to events, like “This should not be happening,” “This is bad,” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
Resisting makes the pain bigger, stronger, and more intractable. It adds a layer of suffering on top of the pain, keeping us stuck in narratives about ourselves and the world, and trapped in emotions like despair, anger, shame, and unhappiness.
There are many ways to resist reality.
We resist ourselves as we are by rejecting our authentic selves, comparing ourselves to others, and holding ourselves up to an impossible standard.
We resist our emotions, laboring under the belief that we are not supposed to feel pain, struggle, or experience the full range of human emotions. We use phrases like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I shouldn’t find this so challenging.”
We resist other people as they are, wanting them to be different, weaving tales about how if they would only just change, our lives would improve forever.
And we resist the world as it is. We want things to be different than they are. We want our loved one to not to be sick, we want a new job, we want a shorter commute, we want the past to be different than it was. All of these desires are completely normal and acceptable. But the resistance of what is does not change it. It only leads to suffering.
The antidote for resistance is acceptance. When we accept reality for what it is — especially when that reality is something that we desperately do not want to be true — we give ourselves the gift of peace and freedom. From this place of acceptance, we can also change what is within our control: learning how to live with it, healing from it, making it better, and using its lessons to help us help others.
This approach was outlined in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a highly effective therapeutic approach designed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. Outside of therapy, research into acceptance demonstrates its power. Studies have found that the more accepting of ourselves, the likelier we are to be happy. If you accept your painful emotions without judging them, you’re less likely to be psychologically stressed, and experience fewer mood disorder symptoms.
To accept something does not mean that you approve of it. It means that you are committed to no longer spending your energy fighting its existence. In making this decision, we allow the pain to run its course. We free ourselves up to see a bigger picture beyond the immediate challenge. And we can move past the experience, learning from it and letting it go, in order to find peace and freedom.
To move from resistance to acceptance, try taking these steps:
Acknowledge what you are resisting
What element of reality are you fighting right now: yourself, your emotions, another person, an event or experience? Write it down and acknowledge it, and bring your attention to how this resistance is creating more pain and suffering for you.
Give yourself space to feel your emotions
If you have been resisting, you have likely been suppressing or denying your emotions. Try journaling, talking to a friend, or working with a therapist. In allowing yourself to bring these to the surface and feel them, you create the possibility for peace. It’s like a thunderstorm: the lightning, thunder, and rain have to happen, to wash away the chaos and welcome in the sense of renewal.
Act as if
Acceptance is such a radical departure from resistance that we often do not know how to behave. Imagine a version of yourself who has completely accepted reality for what it is. What would this self do in this moment? Keep that avatar close, checking in to help you to steadily choose responses in line with your commitment to acceptance.
Recognize that pain is part of life
As Dr. Linehan says, “Life can be worth living even with painful events in it.” In accepting this deep truth, we can welcome in a greater sense of peace and self-acceptance. There is nothing wrong with us. We are simply doing our very best.
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What To Do If You Are Lonely
Loneliness can be devastating. Feeling lonely is associated with a greater risk of depression and can have a significant impact on our physical health. One study found that loneliness is more physically dangerous than obesity and as dangerous as smoking.
We all get lonely sometimes.
And we have been experiencing a loneliness epidemic in recent years. In one study, 25% of Americans reported that they didn’t have anyone that they could confide in. Modern society has disconnected us from our traditional way of being: immersed in constant close connection with friends, family, and neighbors.
Loneliness can be devastating. Feeling lonely is associated with a greater risk of depression and can have a significant impact on our physical health. One study found that loneliness is more physically dangerous than obesity and as dangerous as smoking.
When we think of loneliness, there are a few stereotypical images that come to mind: someone who is shy, someone who is isolated, an elderly person who lives alone. But studies have found that loneliness doesn’t result from living alone, being single, being elderly, or having poor social skills. Loneliness is a state of being that arises in tandem with real-life challenges: lonely people are significantly more likely to be experiencing very real struggles like medical issues, depression, or unemployment. What’s more, they feel that they are facing these challenges alone. No one is ‘in it’ with them to help carry the weight or to bear witness to their suffering.
Another way to think about loneliness is that it results from not getting the connection that we need. One of the leading researchers in loneliness, John Cacioppo, argued that loneliness is like the hunger cue for social support. Our stomachs growl with hunger when they need food. Our hearts growl with loneliness when they need connection.
If your heart is growling, here are three science-backed tools you can use to nourish your need for social connection.
Look for belonging cues
As the brain experiences prolonged loneliness, it moves into a state of self-preservation where it is simply trying to survive. It powers down the impulses to reach out, to connect, and to be empathetic (the very actions that we need to move past loneliness) in order to focus on surviving and fulfilling one’s acute needs. To overcome this unhelpful impulse, we have to train our brains to look for the belonging cues that help us to feel safe and connected. In every interaction, look for these cues — eye contact, outreach, questions, vulnerability, being invited to share your perspective. These are signs that you are connected, valued, and welcomed. In paying a bit more attention to them, you can move your brain out of this state of self-preservation and into a state of connection.
Offer your help to someone else
Another way to shift your brain out of a self-preservation state is to reach out to support someone else. If you’re feeling anxious or nervous about reaching out to someone, this is also a low-risk, high-impact way to do it. Send a message to someone and ask how they are and if they need any support. You can also participate in an already-established network, like your local Mutual Aid group or an online community.
Deepen your positive relationships
Often, loneliness can arise when we are surrounded by other people, even people that we love and cherish. In those moments, we are craving a deeper form of social connection that we are not receiving. Try to dig deeper with the existing people in your life by consciously inviting in more vulnerability to your relationship. One of the major barriers to more vulnerability is simply not knowing how to do it, but psychologists have discovered that it is possible to generate greater closeness through the questions that we ask one another. A few of our favorite questions are:
What do you think your greatest strength is?
What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever received?
What’s something you wish people knew about you?
What would you do if money was no object?
What is one of the best lessons you have ever learned?
When did you most surprise yourself recently?
What matters most to you?
You could also try the famous 36 Questions or a game like We’re Not Really Strangers.
And if you’re not lonely right now…
You have an opportunity to make a real difference in other people’s lives. Consider: who in your life is going through a major challenge right now? This person is at higher risk for loneliness. A quick text message or call might make all of the difference.
With a little bit of courage and effort, we can show up for one another and help to reduce the loneliness epidemic, one person at a time.
Tips from our New Happy community members
We asked our community what they do when loneliness strikes. Here are a few of their suggestions.
Feel the feelings:
“Allow myself to deeply feeling the feeling first”
“Acknowledge it, and remind myself that it is okay to feel lonely” — Eli
“Keep the phone away and try to feel the loneliness first”
Spend time with pets:
“Pet my kittens” — Flores
“Talk to my dog” — Fiorella
“Go for a walk with my dog and listen to music” — Claudia
Get out of the house:
“Listen to a good podcast while going for a walk” — Aakanksha
“Go on a hike!” — Mike
“Take a drive and enjoy the scenery, let myself be immersed in something else” — Justine
“Nature is the best friend a human can have” — Sin
Focus on being my own best friend:
“Invest in myself by learning new hobbies, like pasta making!” — Emma
“Spend time with myself, rather than others: exercise, self-care, a little shopping, whatever!” — Phoebe
“Write songs on my guitar” — Jim
“Listen to music or Broadway shows” — Hannah
“Have fun with myself and do the things I enjoy!” — Anastasia
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